Remember back in the day when we used to argue about who was the toughest hero? I remember my brother and I got into a heated argument; he claimed Ultraman, Jerry O’Connell’s crappy TV hero, could take out Superman. Seriously, that’s like saying your little cousin could take out Ronnie Coleman. This is not meant to be a definitive list, I might have missed some, and it gets a little sketchy ranking strongest villains (Galactus can eat entire planets , and Apocalypse pretty much hands the X-Men their asses on a weekly basis). That being said, here we go!!!
1. Superman: Honestly, why would you even call anyone else up on the Justice League? The problem is the writers often had problems deciding how strong he was. One day he’d be spinning the Earth around, the next day he’s having problems opening a stubborn jar of olives.
2. Hulk: Not really a hero, per say, but sometimes helps out a bit. Gets stronger the madder that he gets. Kind of like my drunken uncle (drunkle). Make sure to check out the awesomely crappy 60s animated Hulk. Warning: Actual dialogue from the show:
Villain: My will controlling gun will control his will by zapping him and then making his will weaken. Will he survive? Only time WILL tell. Will.
Hulk: Hulk smash.
Villain: Arghh, I am defeated!
Maybe you should have spent more time FIRING the gun than explaining what it does.
3. Silver Surfer: Not a big Silver Surfer fan, but he could beat up the Fantastic Four, and touch Sue Richards boobs with no fear of redemption.
HOLY GEEZ! I just discovered that Marvel has a strength list. Unprofessional to switch topics, but let’s take a look at that!!!! http://www.marveldirectory.com/strengthlevels.htm Damn, this site looks all sorts of scientific. “Class 100 signifies the capacity to lift in excess of 100 tons under optimal conditions.” I like that it says “optimal conditions”. “Yeah, I’d lift that killer whale, but it’s a little windy today.”
These villains and heroes don’t have any exact ranking, because half of them are omnipotent or hooked on the “juice”.
1. Watchers – “The Watchers are a vastly powerful, ancient extraterrestrial race who untold eons ago undertook the task of passively observing the phenomena of the universe. Their homeworld is an unnamed world in an unknown solar system in another galaxy than the Milky Way which is covered with lush vegetation and bears no artifacts of habitation.” Does anyone else get the idea that the dudes who wrote these comics never opened a science textbook? “An unnamed world in an unnamed galaxy with a lot of…trees and stuff. Possibly ferns.” “There appear to be no secondary sex differences between male and female Watchers. Watchers still reproduce sexually” This is just gross. They’re rubbing their manginas together to reproduce. I didn’t know comics could get this blue…and arousing!
2. Thor-“ and simulated flight when he hurls his enchanted hammer Mjolnir.” This was always the lamest part about Thor. He doesn’t actually fly, he hurls his hammer and hangs onto it. Kind of like my newborn daughter. I’m just saying, it’s an efficient means of travel. Thor also yells “It’s hammer time!” and owns a pair of jumbo parachute pants. He lost all the wealth of Asgard on his fleet of Ferraris and Faberge egg collection.
3. Galactus- Galactus is a real ass. “Despite his pledge to Richards, Galactus returned several times to Earth to consume it, but was always narrowly thwarted.” Galactus is like the fat dude who eats your slice of pizza even though it clearly has your name on it and you were looking forward to it all day. Galactus could be defeated by a weapon called the “Ultimate Nullifier” which seems a little redundant to me. Can you partially nullify something?
4. Beta Ray Thor – Basically an alien Thor. Whee.
5. Hercules- I refuse to read this guy’s bio, since he is possibly the worst designed character I’ve ever seen. The H on his belt stands for “homo”. NOTE: This guy is George Michael Level gay.
6. Gladiator- Dang. Take what I said about Hercules and multiply it. Wow, just wow. A Mohawk? Only Mr. T can rock one of these (sidenote: Has anyone seen Mr. T selling cooking equipment on late-night infomercials? How the mighty have fallen). “Susan Richards of the Fantastic Four once knocked Gladiator unconscious with her force field when he was momentarily in doubt about the effectiveness of his own powers.” Getting knocked out by that lame-ass forcefield is akin to R. Kelly pee video levels of embarrassment.
7. Mephisto-The demon who helped create the Ghost Rider. “Mephisto has few rivals in terms of personal power and scope of influence. Only Thog and Satannish come close. “ Satannish, wow, seriously? The naming committee was on holiday I guess.
8. Magus-He came to take his son away from Professor X. He’s a form of techno-organic life, basically a living robot. Can transform at will, like Michael Jackson but not a pedophile. \
9. Ymir-A giant ice creature. “Ymir carries an enormous, ice-covered club, which he uses as a weapon. Possibly the club is entirely composed of ice. “ Possibly? Or perhaps the hopes and dreams for change: Obama.
10. Thanos- The most confusing biography I have ever read. Honestly. More confusing that watching a David Finch movie.
So there’s Marvel’s list of some of the strongest heroes and villains. It was a fun ride. I learned a lot and have come out a better person.
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